YukiWolfe

2015 sucked, but it got better. My job was threatened because I couldn't keep pace. I kept a pace, but apparently not a good enough one for the kitchen, so my hours were cut, rather than my chef coming to me and talking about it until I showed up for work, WHEN I DIDN'T NEED TO (FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME). So basically, New Year's Eve had been my day to prove my worth to her. To show her I was needed in that kitchen. I believe I made my point because by the end, she was offering me more hours, and offering me more days to work. The point is, she made me feel worthless. Like I wasn't needed, adding to how I already felt inside. I was able to overcome those feelings and prove her wrong, if only because it pissed me off. It's one thing for me to have those thoughts on my own. I don't need others to tell me that, or one day I might actually end up believing it. You have to choose your words carefully, and she did not. Words matter, not only the ones you tell yourself, but the ones you tell others as well. I do not like my job. I do not like my boss. She has lied to me on multiple occasions, or if at the very least, never been completely honest, and 'forgotten' to tell me not to come into work so many times even though she has a schedule posted in the kitchen as well as sitting on her computer. There is no communication in this kitchen and it's a wonder we get any of the orders done on time. Her slogan is 'Teamwork Makes the Dream Work' but how can we be called a team when all we do is fight and/or yell at one another? Easy to say I'm looking for another job and will only stay as long as I'm needed, which according to her, isn't long at all. Oh well, bye Felicia.

You know what sucks? Being judged constantly because I find other ways of doing crap - that's equally as effective. I can't constantly sweep and be hunched over because of my weight, so I do it in short bursts. Not as hard on my back, I'm getting more of an ab crunch effect/it helps work the core, and there's less of a chance that people are going to step in the dirt pile if it's small, plus it's easier to sweep into a dust pan. All they hear is whining when I try to explain myself. And of course I'm always told that I'm working too hard when the opposite is true. I'm not working hard enough and being told that I'm walking too much or working too hard is rather offensive. I took a job where I needed at least 8 hours on my feet where I can move around because I need to lose weight. When I'm told I'm working too hard and that I need to do it another way hurts me physically because I'm not getting that exorcise, and I'm not losing that weight. To top it off, my hours were cut drastically, to the point where I only work two other days this entire month, three days total. In the time I've been off, I've gained about ten pounds because I've been eating less because we don't have the money for groceries since my dad doesn't have a job anymore, and exorcising less because there's not as much house work as there is in a busy kitchen. My mom and I are now the primary bread winners, and with my hours cut, it's make us walk a razor's edge on if we can make all the bill payments. I'd file some sort of harassment suit if I knew it would make a difference or that I could prove anything beyond them thinking that I just have a bad attitude. I'm the biggest one in the kitchen, and from the time I started to now, I'd say that my complaints/needs for a break have gone down considerably seeing as how I rarely take a break other than when we all go on break other than restroom breaks, which average around 3. There's even been times where I've worked through our breaks knowing I'd be off the clock within an hour or less. Meanwhile shady business has been going down in hearing that they tried to cut out our already unpaid lunch breaks in order to cut costs, which is illegal. I just don't know what I'm doing at this place anymore. I'd quit if I had another job lined up. At least if they let me go I can file for unemployment and get a weekly $100 easily and I could probably get on somewhere else. The whole thing makes me sick. I was going to use the money to make sure I could help provide for my family with rent and bill payment, and save back money for myself so that I could go to college, but that's not going to happen now. I'm sorry for the depressing shit, but I just don't know what to do anymore...

As a child, I was raised with the belief that there would always be someone there to save me, or at least lend a hand when the going got rough. Yet, it seemed the more I reached out, the more I drowned, with no hands to help me back up. I'd have the life preserver that was my parents to keep me afloat in that sea of loneliness, but, I guess, somewhere along the way, I learned to swim. I stopped waiting for someone to rescue me, I picked myself up, and when I did let people in my life, it was only to let them push me through the currents. They're still there when the tide gets high and the currents are rough, but I'm the captain of my ship, here to tell my story. I just wish, I'd had someone teach me to swim, so maybe I'd have a first mate to help steer the boat when I grow weary. I wish someone had been there for me, so I wouldn't have so many walls up. I wish I'd never had to be alone, because I've grown so used to it, that when I don't want to be alone, I somehow, still end up that way. It's never them, it's me. My ship is sinking with a crew only big enough to just keep it afloat. A crew that's loyal, and passionate, but one I can't find myself able to trust enough, and I know it hurts them, and it's killing me too. Every day "I'm sorry"'s passes my lips at least once, and all I hear is that I have "nothing to apologize for" but the loneliness is killing us all, poisoning the relationships I've worked so hard to obtain. Every day it just seems that all I know how to do is sabotage myself. I'm trying to work past it, but it takes time, time that we don't always have, which is why I don't go a day without apologizing to someone, so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I am like this, and I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm working to become a better me, one day at a time. That's all I've ever wanted to be, and maybe one day, I'll find someone to captain my ship with me. I'm sorry this is long, but I thank you for reading and for putting up with my angst. I want to tell you all why I just throw this stuff up here, but I know that on the road to improving myself, I don't always have to explain myself either, but today, I will. In it's simplest form, I feel it, and I let it go. I let it fly out here so I don't have to keep it pent up, so it doesn't have to haunt me like things from the past. Because it's in the past, and I am moving forward.

Yet another wonderful plush by Kazzy's Plush Emporium is being given away! Good luck to all who enter and everyone have a wonderful October!

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1. How long have you been on DeviantArt? Five Years
   

2. What does your username mean? My username was a combination of a character and I came up with. Her name is Yuki, she's a white wolf with a brother who's all black named Biku. I spelled wolf with an E at the end so users could have freedom to pronounce it as Wolf or Wolf-E.
   

3. Describe yourself in three words.
   

4. Are you left or right handed? Right handed.
   

5. What was your first deviation? Gald you asked! My OC as a person Yuki
   

6. What is your favourite type of art to create? I love mixed media, and I'm also learning my way through digital.
   

7. If you could instantly master a different art style, what would it be? I'd have to say that I wouldn't like to master a style. Each artist has their own unique style. If we mastered the style of one another, then there would be no originality behind it.
   

8. What was your first favourite? Oh gosh, I honestly don't remember.
   

9. What type of art do you tend to favourite the most? I don't really know that I have a preferred type to favorite. Really if it catches my eye and I find it appealing, I'll add it. If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably digital.
   

10. Who is your all-time favourite deviant artist? That would be DestinyBlue
    

11. If you could meet anyone on DeviantArt in person, who would it be? Again, I'd have to say DestinyBlue. Her pieces really speak to me and inspire.
    

12. How has a fellow deviant impacted your life? Impacted is a strong term, so for the sake of honesty, not entirely, but having made a difference is a definite yes.
    

13. What are your preferred tools to create art? For my digital works I use Paint Tool Sai and touch things up with Photoshop CS2. As for my hand created works, I use a variety of tools. Usually pencils, pens, watercolor paints and pencils, prismacolor color pencils, and touches of Ebony.
    

14. What is the most inspirational place for you to create art? I create art at home, I find inspiration everywhere.
    

15. What is your favourite DeviantArt memory? I honestly can't recall. I have a lot of good memories here, from uploading my first piece of art and getting llamas, to getting new watchers and making friends. They're all great!